July & August 2008 Marriage Transformation Newsletter

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Marriage Transformation Project Message:
Backbiting, Gossip, and Relationships

Dear Friends and Colleagues:

Backbiting and gossip are often key players in destroying reputations, dumping on characters, or disunifying relationships. There are times, however, when it can be easy to justify doing them, particularly within the closeness of a committed relationship or marriage. But is it right? Is it wise? Does it help or harm your relationship? When is talking about someone else appropriate?

Backbiting refers to speaking in a negative, spiteful, derogatory, or defamatory way about a person who is not present. Even when the words are true, the intent and effect are destructive, creating disunity, whether or not the person spoken of finds out what you said. The Qur'án says, “Woe to the backbiter, even if his tale is true, for the taint is in his motive.” (Translated by Abdullah Yúsuf ‘Alí, Introduction and Summary: Sura CIV)

Gossip involves spreading personal or sensational information that may or may not have some basis in truth, but which is often inaccurate or incomplete. The intent and outcome are often harmful. When you know something interesting about another person, it is very tempting to share it with others in order to draw attention to yourself and feel important. The people of Ghana share this wisdom: “Those who speak to you about others will speak to others about you.” (More African Proverbs, p. 87)

Talking negatively about other's behavior or character even in a casual way is backbiting. If the people you speak to then spread what you said to others, it becomes gossip. The information often becomes distorted and embellished, which may cause harm or embarrassment to you and others. Before you speak, ask yourself whether you will diminish or make “smaller” the person you are speaking about, in the view of the person to whom you are talking. Would the person spoken about dislike and become unhappy about what you are saying? Bahá'u'lláh writes that, "...backbiting quencheth the light of the heart, and extinguisheth the life of the soul.” (Gleanings, p. 265)

If someone starts to raise concerns about others to you, either stop them or encourage them to speak in generalities and not in specifics. You may have to be very firm with others to stop them from backbiting. “The north wind driveth away rain: so doth an angry countenance a backbiting tongue.” (King James Bible, Proverbs, 25:23) It can also be helpful to begin sharing something positive about the person under discussion instead. You may also simply need to excuse yourself and walk away.

It is better to communicate about issues directly with someone than to speak about others behind their backs. The goal in any communication is constructive action, not idle or destructive talk. So, this now brings us back to how this topic applies within a relationship or marriage.

Before marriage, you may need to share some information about previous relationship partners or family members with your partner. Examine your motives and ensure that your intent is to help your partner understand you and increase the opportunity to have a strong marriage. Will the information make it difficult for your partner to be in unity and harmony with your family? Can you share the information without naming the person? Can you speak in generalities and not specifics?

After marriage, you may struggle with an issue or relationship that does not involve your spouse. You may need to talk the matter through with your spouse and consult about solutions. Can you do this without backbiting about someone? Can you speak in generalities and not specifics? Are you trying to build intimacy with your partner and think sharing this information will help? Remember that backbiting will destroy intimacy, not strengthen it. It is an excellent idea for couples to talk about and agree on how they will communicate respectfully about others when they are talking privately together.

Relationship partners and spouses often naturally share information about mutual friends and family members. This could include such topics as marriages, divorces, pregnancies, and births. The intent in this case is not harmful, and usually gossip in this form is not destructive. It is still wise, however, to determine whether the person talked about would want the information shared and whether there could be any harm caused from passing it on. It is also wise to ensure that what you share is factual and not speculative.

We have the gift of speech, but it is wise for us to use it with wisdom and appropriate restraint. Wisdom often means pausing before speaking and deciding whether your words will cause benefit or harm. It is good to ask the question, "Will this create or destroy love and unity?" Respect for others means that our speech focuses on appreciation, praise, and tactful but truthful direct communications. (See Happy at Home, Happy at Work book excerpt on Respect below)

Loving greetings,
Susanne Alexander
Relationship, Marriage, and Character Coach

p.s. When I first began digging deeper into this topic, I was amazed to discover that the world's religions have been speaking out against backbiting for thousands of years. Somehow humanity has forgotten! I thought you would find the quotations included interesting for that reason. Note that our new book, Happy at Home, Happy at Work has a section on Gossip, Backbiting, and Slander as a focus for at home and at work transformation.